Netanyahu’s Patience with Abba Has ‘Run Out’

Israeli Prime minister, Benjamin Netanyahu’s patience with well-known Swedish singing quartet, Abba, has “run out”, a Wikifakes cable leaked on Monday revealed.

In a “secret” December 2009 cable dispatched to Washington from the embassy in Tel Aviv, Netanyahu’s senior iTunes aid, Dado-ron Ron Dermer, is also quoted as telling two US senators that Israel has no partner to dance with.

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Records Reveal Thatcher’s Attempts to Smear Scargill

Newly discovered fake cables reveal that during the miners’ strike action of 1984, then Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, had an audacious plan in place to smear union leader, Arthur Scargill.

Using the Special Air Service (SAS), Thatcher had a remote control toupĂ©e placed in exchange of Scargill’s famous Brillo Pad hairstyle. Controlled from a secret concrete bunker deep underground, the remote control wig could be made to twitch and sway whenever Scargill appeared to score a political point over the government, thus reducing him to a laughing stock.

Unfortunately, the high quality British components used in its construction failed almost immediately, and a new plan was formulated to create an entire “Robo Scargill” which would ultimately replace the union leader and thorn in the then Conservative government’s side. The robot was delivered and successfully swapped with the real Scargill, who was then spirited away to the Isle of Sheppey, where his memory was wiped and he was forced to live out his years as a primary school football coach.

The Robo Scargill project was vital to ending the miners’ strike in the 1980s, and as proof of concept it has now become standard government policy to exchange ‘difficult’ public figures for automated ones. The current Robo Nick Clegg is now in its second cycle, and is expected to remain subservient and useful to the government for another three years before it needs to be replaced.

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Latest cables reveal confusion over Cable

Leaked fake cables from the US embassy in London shed new light on the fallout between UK Business Minister, Vince Cable, and Fox Emperor, Rupert Murdoch.

Following revelations that Cable had ‘declared war’ on the Murdoch empire, word reached Wikifakes that Vince Cable is not a real name; it seems that it is merely part of a lucrative sponsorship deal with Richard Branson’s Virgin cable empire.

Upon discovering this, Murdoch allegedly demanded that Conservative and Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osbourne change his surname to ‘George Sky+’ as part of a contra-deal. Unfortunately, this request was turned down by Prime Minister, David Cameron, due to his party’s allegiance to British Telecom and their on-demand television network. In January, Mr Cameron intends to change his own name to ‘David Vision’, as part of his sponsorship package.

In related news, Ed Miliband announced that he has no plans to change his surname to ‘Ed Channel 5’ following an approach from Richard Desmond, owner of the channel. Instead, he intends to return it to the more formal ‘Ed Military Marching Band’.

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